Dear Red States,
We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren't aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and all the Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.
To sum up briefly: you get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states. We get stem cell research and the best beaches. We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay.
We get the Statue of Liberty. You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss.
We get 85 percent of America's venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama. We get two-thirds of the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.
Please be aware that New California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don't care if you don't show pictures of their children's caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.
With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95 percent of America's quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.
With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.
We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you.
Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we're discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.
By the way, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.
Sincerely,
Author Unknown in New California
[Thanks to Beltane at The Labyrinthine Mind]
posted by BrooklynKat at 3:26 PM
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4 Comments:
You must think we are as stupid as you are. No, you can’t have the whole state just because there are concentrations of you lemmings in the large cities. No, you may secede with your COUNTY!
That’s right – and you can take with you 80% of the national debt, 75% of the unemployed, and 70% of welfare recipients. You get Disneyland and Disney World – we’ll take the Great Plains. Keep the pineapples, we’ll take corn, potatoes, sugar, wheat, dairy, pork, beef and, incidently – seafood (since you only use YOUR beaches for sunning yourselves).
Yes, please do keep Eliot Spitzer... and Michael Moore and Noam Chomskey, Hillary, Al Franken et al. We’ll keep W., Rumsfeld, Limbaugh and Ann Coulter. Speaking of which...you keep yours, we’ll keep ours:
You may indeed have every soldier in Iraq back – if they want to come back. It’s a volunteer Military, stupid. (maybe not in Nuevo California) Any you don’t want, we’re proud to have.
Your aggregate divorce rate is lower because your marriage rate is lower – you don’t bother getting married before you have children.
Yeah, Yeah you’ve got stem cell research – paid for by the taxpayers of California while they have rolling blackouts. You can also have abortion on demand (taxpayer financed I assume?), The Kyoto Treaty, gay marriage, and midnight basketball.
You will also need to build some prisons since you have most of the crime – we’re not going to house them for you anymore.
Keep Hollywood – PLEASE! Sorry, but Yosemite will be going with us. We’ll keep Nashville and all the best skiing too.
Those High Tech industries will lose more than half their customers with a truncated military in New California, but that’s OK – you can sell to your enemies who will be so happy they will not want to attack you anymore.
You get 2/3 of the tax revenue NOW. Sorry though, you’ll only get what you generate if you secede.
You do get to keep most of the cheese and whine, though – you and the French.
Oh, and it’s plain to see you’ve got the best pot.
No, ebed-melech, you really are just plain stupid. Look in the mirror to find a lemming. Why else would you follow the pretender-to-the-presidency on his path to ruining this country. I just hope it's not too late to undo all the damage thought-less people like you have done.
ebed,
Thanks for responding with "talking points." I'm really curious, can you tell me what President Bush has done to make your life better?
P.S. It's NuevA California by the way (the adjective must match its noun in number, gender, and case), you dumb-ass racist. If you learned any additional language like the rest of the world does, you might have known that.
Unfortunately, this means we'd get the District of Columbia and Bush, Cheney, Rove, Rumsfeld & Rice would follow us. :)
Just kidding!
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